Don't Wet Yourself, Now.

Important Pre-Post Announcement: November 13th is To Write Love On Her Arms Day. TWLOHA is a non-profit group dedicated to helping people dealing with self-harm, suicide and addiction. The point of today is to write the word Love on your arm, and if people ask you about it (which they will, lots of them) then explain that you are raising awareness about these issues and showing support for people dealing with them. This cause strikes pretty deep in my heart. I'll have LOVE on my arm today; you should think about doing the same. Here's the website.

Tonight, I bring you... laughter! Everyone likes to laugh, and not just at people running into things (though that is hilarious). I wrote this a few weeks ago for my Creative Writing course, and the responses have been good. Enjoy! :)

Wildlife

Welcome to another exciting episode of Animal Planet. Today we will be travelling to North America, and studying the behaviour of a most fascinating creature: the unmarried male human being, more commonly known as a Bachelor. This animal is typically between five feet, seven inches, and six feet, two inches. Hair colour differs among many shades – black to brown to red. Skin colour is, as well, a variable factor within the species. Bachelors live up to 100 years.

This creature’s habitat is of a peculiar nature. While the unattached female human will maintain a cleanly, if not tidy, living environment, the male seems to enjoy basking in filth. It is not unlike the swine, which bathes in mud. Here we have the sleeping area of one particularly disgusting specimen. Observe the soiled and discarded bodily coverings strewn about. The animal sleeps over here, on a cushioney structure on the floor. The only comforts for sleeping are one small “pillow” and one thin “blanket”. While Bachelors possess considerably more body hair than the rest of the human race, they still require added warmth for sleeping.

Let’s look now to the recreational area of his dwelling. Large electronic devices dominate the scene, though their exact purpose (that is to say, why precisely they are so large) has never been discerned. The primary resting location is in the form of a “couch.” Observe the well-worn cushions, the tears in the fabric, and the proliferation of food stains.

Speaking of food – the Bachelor’s diet is simple, but its implications convoluted. To this day, anthropologists and behavioural analysts specializing in the species do not know how a Bachelor obtains the necessary nourishment to continue survive.

Bachelors are not hunters. They remain at home, on this “couch,” and send for their prey by way of a telecommunication device. Coins or bills are traded with the delivery person upon his or her arrival. It should be noted that said delivery person often expresses signs of amusement or disgust when the dwelling is opened to them. The food they deliver is one of two varieties: greasy noodles and meat in small boxes, or round, flat bread baked with meat and cheese on it, in a square, relatively flat box.

The Bachelor devours his food with a ferocity normally seen only in large, predatory felines. With little to no regard for the cleanliness of either himself or his surroundings, the Bachelor consumes his dinner as quickly as possible. It is usually accompanied by three to ten aluminium cans filled with a brewed grain beverage. This produces a foul stench, as its carbonation causes the Bachelor to emit gaseous fumes from his mouth. He emits similar, yet more toxic, fumes from other areas of his body, as well. A Bachelor bathes rarely, and so often causes breathing difficulties for those around him. He seems not to care. It has been speculated that the sensory capacities of a Bachelor are somehow diminished.

Once, sometimes twice, a week, the Bachelor participates in a mating ritual of a frighteningly fruitless nature. First, he dons clean clothing, often a pair of denim pants and a cotton shirt. Then, with no regard to his nasal passages, drenches himself with fragrant liquid from a small bottle. He seems to forget that this smell will, later on, bring tears to the eyes of anyone within a five foot radius. Then, he leaves his dwelling, and enters a communal hall in which the sole activity is performing the pre-mating ritual. He purchases glass bottles of the same grain beverage, and leans against a wall, observing the other Bachelors and females before him. Often he is joined by others of his kind, and crude laughter ensues, growing louder as they consume more of the beverage.

Sometimes, two Bachelors will have a disagreement. Bachelors are easily angered, and feel the need to ascertain their masculinity by aggressively attacking each other. They use their fists, arms and feet to gain an advantage, usually drawing a great crowd of other Bachelors who wish to know the outcome of the fight.

When the Bachelor spots a female to which he is attracted, he springs. Approaching her quickly, he places himself between her and the closest exit. A female will often appear disgusted or mildly frightened at this point. He speaks to her, and makes overt and casual references to both her appearance and copulation. The vast majority of the time, the female will turn, and leave. On the off chance that she remains, the male will appear ecstatic. He will accompany her to the central area of the hall, where they will commence the pre-mating dance, consisting of much gyrating and rudimentary movement echoing the actual mating act. For those viewing the spectacle for the first time, nausea may occur. If you are squeamish, please avert your eyes. It is rare for their interaction to proceed past this point. If it does, the female will accompany the male to his dwelling, where they will copulate. The human species, contrary to their behaviour on these evenings out, seems to have a severe aversion to conceiving. Precautions are often taken to prevent this from happening. Again, anthropologists have yet to determine what purpose this serves.

As you have seen, the Bachelor is a confusing and, sometimes, horrific creature. Should you ever encounter one in the wild, walk slowly and calmly away. This is not a creature with which you want to entangle yourself.

Crikey!